Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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