i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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