I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I smell stomach acid.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
