'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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