I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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