WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
