I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
