when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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