haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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