Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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