I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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