You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
