Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
