Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
