a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
