it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
