Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
