Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's shark week go big or go home
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
