I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
