after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
