Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
