i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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