If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
