My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you would pick up someone in the library
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
