Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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