You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
