My nipple is on Facebook.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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