I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
