she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
