"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
