i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
