omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
