So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
