Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
