gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize