I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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