I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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