You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
