Already got asked if we're dating
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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