im six kinds of drunk right now
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
