Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
handjob tips. give me some.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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