Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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