yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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