I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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