he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
