well I can't set my house on fire every night
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
