There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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