i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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