If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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