then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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