I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She even gives head with a lisp.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
