That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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