I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
