She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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