just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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