Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
