A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
