If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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