Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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