I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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