he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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